Saturday, July 24, 2004

Good Deeds You Can Still Do in the Old Year

Usually we make resolutions at the beginning of a new year, which is wasteful. Right now there's plenty of this year left and lots of time for good resolutions. Here are a few I have thought of:

1. Remember to floss. It's good for your heart.
2. Don't bite your toenails. If you do, don't spit the gnawed pieces on the rug.
3. Vote for the johns.
4. First thing in the morning, look in the mirror and sing yourself a little song. Then screw your eyes, stick out your tongue. Then send yourself a big wet kiss. Now you are all emotionally balanced for the day.
5. If you're into yoga, don't go into one of the extreme postures when you're home alone.
6. Have a big funeral for all the divorced socks and grimy t-shirts. Dance around the pyre and pretend that you're witnessing the end of neoconservativism.
7. Tell your friends and relatives to vote for the johns.
8. Learn one new skill to surprise your lover with. The surprise should be a pleasant one.
9. Convert a Republican. Yes, I know that this is hard but you can first practise on something even less animate.
10.Read this blog religiously for further instructions on how to live a meaningful life or at least one that will amuse others.