Wednesday, December 22, 2004

What I Want for Christmas

I have all the front teeth I need. Instead, I'd love a miniature Bill O'Reilly in a Santa outfit! I'd keep him in glass jar on the kitchen windowsill, and I'd listen to his fly-like buzzing when I do the dishes. When I'm bored I could take him out and have him run all over a big falafel sandwich or he could hide in my loofah.
And my boobs would indeed look big to him.

If you don't know what I'm raving about you should check the Google for O'Reilly-falafel-loofah. It's about a sexual harassment suit against Bill O'Reilly. According to the suit, he suggested interesting things he could do with a falafel to excite a woman. Except that he meant a loofah. How O'Reilly could excite anyone in his normal size beats me. But a tiny, tiny O'Reilly in a glass jar would be really fun.
So how about it, Santa?

O'Reilly has decided that he is a multitasker. Not only does he chat about big boobs and falafels and loofahs, but he also protects Baby Jesus (FOX News host Bill O'Reilly declared that "[s]omewhere Jesus is weeping" over criticism of O'Reilly in the print media.)! Yes! He's single-handedly keeping Baby Jesus from being eaten up by liberal East Coast eliters and Hollywood heathens. A busy guy, this O'Reilly. Too bad that he will be at least somewhat responsible for any future fascism this contry may have to face; anyone who spends as much time lying to the Americans on television will have to bear some responsibility. But I'd keep my miniature O'Reilly safe anyway.