Tuesday, December 20, 2005
There will be no Christmas this year. Some of you will feel sad about this, but many of you will stand up, throw away the brooms and the dustclothes and rejoice in the knowledge that no in-laws will arrive in a few days' time. Yet others will have the yoke of lists and wrapping paper and cards miraculously disappear, leaving them free. For there will be no Christmas this year.
As you may have heard from Bill O'Reilly, a war was declared against Christmas by the evil leftist. And they won. Christmas has been killed, the weapons of mass destruction it has harbored will no doubt be found soon, and the masses of people it has tortured over the years with excessive ham and turkey and nuts and eggnog and bills upon bills are all now freed! A new air of freedom is marching on. The elves at Santa's workshop have unionized and will no longer have to work overtime towards the end of the year. The reindeer have been released into the wilderness.
Jesus's birthday is moved to a more temperate time of the year. The festivals of this time of the year have been returned to their original owners: the druids, who will also have the rights for commercial campaigns from now on. For there will be no Christmas this year.