Tuesday, February 13, 2007

A Non-Political Post in Anticipation of Valentine's Day

This is part of my manuscript on gardening stories. I hope you like it. It's too early in the morning (or late at night, depending on your angle) for me to write anything for you early birds. Hmm. Perhaps the story should have been about worms.

Affairs of Heart

Never marry another gardener. Nongardening spouses and lovers may fail to appreciate the centrality of gardening to all existence, but at least they don't covet your rose beds, trim your topiaries or give you advice on the best treatment for fungal diseases in lilacs. They may not approve of your gardening budget, especially if, as is likely, it approaches your household's food bills in size, but neither do they fight you over their share of that budget. And as nongardeners think of all garden tasks as chores anyway, you need feel no guilt over asking them to help by taking charge of all the jobs you hate.

If you are still unattached, avoid dating those nongardener types who think of the yard as a likely place for some other task or hobby, such as laundry drying, car repair or survival games, for these people make poor mates for gardeners and have to be continuously shooed away from the flower beds. The ideal mate is someone who likes indoors pursuits, listening to the recital of Latin names and admiring gardens through windows only. If you find one, don't mention it to any of your gardening friends.

Under no circumstances should you date another gardener. This advice is most difficult to follow, for these people seem destined for you from the beginning of all time; they hear the same distant music, pursue the same magical paths, hold the same view of life as a garden. But they will also want the same beds in the garden, the same tools in the shed and the same dollars in the plant budget. Nothing but trouble will come from such an alliance. Much better to stay single and in command of your garden.