Courtesy of Huffington Post. Who else does misogyny better on the left side of the political aisle? Their clicks come from the boob pictures and I'm not talking about man-boobs.
Anyhow, this funny and wonderful post I'm writing about tells women why they are not married yet if they want to be. To a man, naturally. The reasons are in the women. They are bitches, sluts, selfish, shallow and liars. All they need to do is to fix those things and then they, too, can get their very own "messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man!"
The whole post reads exactly like the book Laura Schlessinger wrote about the care and upkeep of a husband. Her advice was to bend over backwards, to feed him, to f**k him and to serve him nonstop. Because men are like wild animals and women are their keepers.
The writer has even swallowed that right-wing oxytocin hoax! The idea that casual sex doesn't suit women because it wears out our ability to commit later on. How that goes with the thesis of the post (women want to get married) I leave to those who like such puzzles.
I get that this post is intended as a light-hearted one, and of course it is true that there are women who are too demanding when looking for a partner. Nevertheless, you cannot gender-flip the post, however hard you try. Men are never the market for posts like this, despite the fact that I know several who look for the queen of perfection to marry.
It's for us wimminz to change from being bitches and sluts to something more like servants. Men, on the other hand:
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.Once again, echoes of the right-wing writing there. Which conservative woman was it who wrote that women must give up full-time work and take on 100% of the household chores and child-rearing because men have sacrificed, too! They have sacrificed that free-agent penis!
The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
Except that women are also supposed to sacrifice the wandering vagina when they get married, so the trades are never equal. The writer of this hilarious advice column views marriage as a deal where the woman gets all the work to keep the marriage and the household going, while the man gets to tie his penis in a knot except for the home-sex.
Mmm. It's 2011, my sweet readers.